Movie: Shark Attack 3: Megaladon

So, Shark Attack 3: Megaladon

I threw it in my queue purely because of that scene that's up on YouTube, the one that they showed on Jonathan Ross that time and John Barrowman was straight up that he did it for the paycheck.

Real-time thoughts under the cut.

Right off the bat, they show the "salty seas captain" sub commander with a cigar in his mouth. Aren't there OSHA guidelines against that sort of thing?

Ooh, the first instance of poorly done ADR at 7:00 in. This is going to be fabulous.

9:00 I see how they stayed within budget here: lots of old stock footage. And not even good stuff either.

11:02 John goes diving for lobsters (instead of patrolling the coast like a good employee-naughty, naughty!) and instead of a net full of lobsters named Lunch and Dinner he comes back with a shark's tooth. It's like Jack and the Beanstalk but with less beans and more dangerous killer sharks!

14:00 The night watchman is a leacherous old man! No cliche unturned.

14:51 Stupid female lead! The first rule of computer safety is to not open e-mail attachments from people you don't know; do you WANT to get a computer virus?!

17:11 Next on the menu: sexy nude swimmers. Thanks, gratuitous nudity.

21:35 Blonde female lead has all the on-screen presence of the prop dead shark on the beach.

24:00 Super high-tech computer room straight out of 1987! AHAHAHHHAAAA, "Code monkeys". Even if it had no relation to the JoCo song, it still made me smile.

27:03 I'm watching this and thinking that rereading amand_r's TW/Jaws fic was infinitely more entertaining. I must soldier on.

28:10 First penis joke!

29:45 The music, it's like the "Jaws" theme but different enough to legally not be infringing.

33:34 Shoulda listened to the dog, random dude who is now chum. Now who is going to throw him the doggie frisbee??

35:30 News flash! People lie. Also: the sky is blue and the earth revolves around the sun.

38:15 I have to hand it to the "writers", they do know how to explain the existence of a prehistoric killer shark in short order. Less than 3 sentences of dialog.

41:39 John Barrowman is a good looking man, no doubt, but he suffered greatly from the Dippity Do abuse so common to dudes of the late '90s/early '00s.

44:25 Barrowman gives it a good go, but no one, absolutely no one, can give a "shee-iiit!" like Clay Davis on "The Wire".

47:17 Heehee. Victim #8 or 15 or whatever dies because blonde female lead (BFL) has butter fingers/sweaty palms. *sad trombone music*

52:47 All the main cast is now on the boat headed toward open waters, their date with Danger looms.

54:31 I love in these movies that there's always some kind of stupid-ass sinister business reason why the killer sharks/bears/yetis star attacking people. Here, it's Apex Communications (or something, I didn't pay enough attention nor care to rewind) laying down cheap fiber optic cables that attract the killer shark because of the seeping electrical energy into the ocean or whatever. I suppose a few dead naked swimmers is a small price to pay for transoceanic fiber optic cables that will provide me with high-speed Internet access to all the German leather fetish porn I could ever want.

1:01:39 It is amazing, and by that I mean baffling, that there is absolutely no accurate size reference for this megaladon. In one scene it is small enough to fit mostly inside the galley of a boat, but in the very next scene it swallows a dude in a speedboat in a single chomping gulp.

1:06:05 Ooooh, okay. So the one was a "baby" killer shark but the other one was it's mother. And now Mommy is Pissed. Off. It's a quest for justice now! Angry killer-shark justice.

1:08:01 Teehee, the "grizzled knowledgeable old man" token character said "abso-fucking-lutely!"

1:09:44 The Line!!!! The whole reason probably anyone knows about this movie. Took them long enough. And then the next scene is pretty much poorly shot softcore porn with a distinct lack of John Barrowman eating anyone's pussy.

1:11:15 A boat full of rich fat cats makes for good shark bait.

1:13:55 Barrowman made more sexual noises maneuvering the explosives into position than he did during the previous sex scene. He has more chemistry with the joystick in the sub--insert joystick joke here--than with his female co-star.

1:20:14 The movie is plodding toward the action climax because everyone and their brother is lobbing explosives at the shark and the wised old man character is suiting up for a suicide mission to save everyone.

1:22:56 Yes, there's a giant killer shark with a taste for humans, so let's all jump in the water! And get into flimsy inflatable life rafts, because then we will all be safe.

1:24:20 I think they blew through their entire budget with two of the most spectacularly shitty CGI-ed shots of the shark eating first, a single dude, and then a raft full of people. It was a major letdown. Like the rest of this. And my whole life.

1:27:50 "Torpedoes away, motherfucker!!!" The second "best" line from the movie. Also uttered by the esteemed Mr. John Barrowman.

1:30:12 He lived! And they all lived happily ever after...or did they?!

So I rented this because I love me some John Barrowman and the clips on YouTube were hilariously bad, plus they brought it up on Jonathan Ross and whatnot. And all I can say it that was an hour and a half of my life I will never get back. Ever.


Also at LJ.