"I began to like it, and look what I became...and still, I have lived so many lives."

SPOILERS for Torchwood: Children of Earth episode 5 after I gorge myself on mint chocolate ice cream:

So I gave myself a day to process how Torchwood finished, and I still can't come up with something even sort of coherent, some elegant or erudite summary of my feelings about it. I guess what I feel most is...CONFLICTED. I hated how it ended, for the most part, but I didn't hate it. The writing was bleak and dark and realistic; the acting was top-notch all around. It was horrible and devastating and even though Jack saved the children of the world, he sacrificed his own grandson to do it--which is abhorent. I've never thought Jack more a bastard and never felt more sorry for him than I did at the moment he made that decision. I hate that Ianto died, and that his death wasn't a moment of glorious go-for-broke heroism but simply an attempt to help Jack make his point to the 456. Yet, that grandiosity isn't always how heroes die, and Ianto sealed his fate long ago when he joined up with Torchwood Three. He was lucky to made it as far as he had, and his and Jack's last moments together were heartrendingly beautiful. There was an ugly sort of beauty to those last few seconds. I don't begrudge Gwen getting off with relatively little damage--that's apparent anyways, who knows what kind of PTSD she's gone through between the end of the 456 threat and the "six months later" post script. I have no idea how she got through it, but I know like all the others she would have the strength to pick up and start again, Rhys and the coming baby there to give her love and meaning. I want to hate Jack even more for leaving her there--alone as the last of Torchwood Three--but I do understand some of his reasons. Everyone he has known, knows, and will know in the future will die--either because of him, knowing him, or simply the steady march of time--and he will always be left to keep going. I don't blame him for wanting to leave a planet where love and loss are so intertwined that it feels like he is suffocated by every memory he's ever had of the place. Of course, running away won't magically solve all his problems; it just means he'll have to deal with them on Omicron Persei 8 or wherever the hell instead of Earth. I hate him for being a cowardly bastard, but he was a cowardly bastard before he met the Doctor, and some part of him will always be a cowardly bastard. It's just one part of who he is--nonetheless, it's a shitty part. I hate him for leaving Gwen behind.

I guess that's all I have. I highly recommend this and this--both are reactions to the finale and the second includes a beautiful ficlet starring Ianto. They summed up many of the things I was thinking/feeling.

I still have lots of mixed feelings about it, but this won't sour me on Torchwood forever if they do decide to give it a fourth season--based on the ratings, it's a strong possibility. I'd like to see where they take the story, if there is more to tell.

Just going to be sad for awhile.




Also at LJ.